Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
