im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
