At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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