I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
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Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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