Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
