She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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