His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
