the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
