Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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