He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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