Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
