It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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