I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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