non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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