when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
