Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
