I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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