I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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