FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
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You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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