Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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