So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize