I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
