Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
