He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
