"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
