i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
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At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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