Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
