'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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