I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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