No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
