Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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