Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
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