Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
