i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
