my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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