i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
