i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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