Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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