Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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