So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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