is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize