I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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