member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
