oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
