I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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