dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
