I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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