After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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