Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
