i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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