Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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