the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
