her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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