my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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