her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Found your dick twin last night
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The Olympian is in my bed
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
